The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

A Dangerous Bet

A millionaire threw a magnificent party for his many friends. Only one thing was bothering everyone, his very large pool was filled with alligators. Towards the end of the evening he stood before a podium and announced to his guests, "The first person that swims across this here pool will get a million dollars!"

He then stepped back and waited for a response. No one responded, so he made another offer "I'll give the first person a million dollars and my mansion." Once again he stepped back and waited. Finally he said, "I'll give you a million dollars, my mansion, and a choice between my Corvette or Lamborghini".

Suddenly he heard a splash, turned to see a man swimming across the pool hitting one alligator up side the head, wrestling one after the other. With lots of luck the man reached the other end of the pool, he climbed out at the millionaire's feet. The millionaire congratulated him and invited him up to his office to receive his awards. When they got to his office the millionaire asked, "What do you want, the Corvette or Lamborghini?"

The man replied ... "I want the jerk that pushed me into the pool!!"

Finley's Plea

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

New Teeth

The local minister had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures made few weeks ago.

The first Sunday, his sermon lasted for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But on the third Sunday, he preached for an hour and a half.

I asked him about this. He then told me "well, John, that first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were still hurting a lot. Now the third Sunday, I accidnetally grabbed my wife's dentures AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!"

Two Best Jokes

My Grades

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.

"What's the matter, Son?" asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."



The Feminist

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Travel Agent

A travel agent looked up from his desk and saw an older lady and an older gentleman peering into the shop window, where there were posters of glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week, and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop. "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.

The older lady and gentleman, as could be expected, gladly accepted and were off! About a month later, the little lady came in to the travel agency. "And how did you like your holiday?" the agent asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting, and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

The Blonde Painter

An ambitious young "blonde woman", in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Won't Sell To You

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TV's. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."

The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

So, The blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

And again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde?"

And the clerk said, "Because that is a microwave."

Eleven People

Ten men and one woman - were clinging to a rope hanging down from a helicopter. They decided one person had to let go or they would all die.

The woman gave a touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because females were used to making sacrifices for their husbands and children and not receiving in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.