The Widow at the Farmhouse

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Poor Parrot

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage. Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk.She took the parrot home.

In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed. "The parrot doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror. "

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage. Another week and a half went by and she returned. "The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a ladder?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a ladder."

So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage. Another week and a half passed and she returned."The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a swing?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a swing."

So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage. A week and a half later she returned. She was furious!

The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

"No!, he died."

"Oh, that's terrible. Did he say anything before he died?"

"Yes."

"What?"

"He gasped 'Don't they have any food down at that store?'"

Under The Table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh no, My husband just walked in the door."

Two Best Jokes

My Grades

A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.

"What's the matter, Son?" asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet?'"

"You know," he replied, "...below C-level."



The Feminist

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

Football Pool

Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.

'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.

The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.

'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'

The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.

'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'

'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'

The doctor fell down dead with shock.

The Speeder

A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast moving vehicle at 87mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

“Ma’am,” the officer began. “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer,” the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. “Why, what seems to be the problem?”

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, “What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35mph zone! That’s the problem. Didn’t you see the sign?”

“Oh sure,” the old lady returned, “That’s why I’m driving so fast. I’m just trying to follow it’s instruction.”

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

“Just what sign are you talking about, Ma’am?” he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, “Why, the one that said ‘Speed Zone Ahead’, of course!”

Priestly Visit

There was a priest who went into the country to pay a visit to a 92-year-old church member. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. He dare not say anything.

After tea, curiosity got the best of him and the priest asked her about it.

She replied, "While in town I found a little foil package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works! I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Eleven People

Ten men and one woman - were clinging to a rope hanging down from a helicopter. They decided one person had to let go or they would all die.

The woman gave a touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because females were used to making sacrifices for their husbands and children and not receiving in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Watermelon-Crushing Boobs

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Breasts can ALSO nurture babies. Is there anything they can't do?

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The Worried Woman

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”