A Man visits his Aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in her room, flips through a few magazines and munches on some peanuts sitting on a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, i have eaten all your peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After i have sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Patient says, "Doc, you must check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously places his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Give me $10! I'm desperate! I need $10!"
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" the doctor asked.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Please! I really need $5! Just $5! Please! I'm desperate!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was truly dumbfounded.
"Wait, Doc, that's not all of it. There's more. Just put your ear down on my ankle," the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was amazed to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need $20! Please lend me $20, please! I am really desperate!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in any of my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "However... I can make a well-educated guess.
Based on life and all my previous experiences, I can tell you with some certainty, that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering.
The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering disqualifies you."
"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."
"Show me," said the interviewer.
So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, colored and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.
The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"
"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.
The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth...
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